Romeo + Juliet

But Have You Seen It High?

If you know me, you know I hate romance, and romantic comedies and any depiction of people ending up happy together. I hate seeing other people be happy in love and it’s purely from a space of spite and jealousy and unhealed trauma and it’s a trauma response and we’re working on it.

The fourth season of Love is Blind is currently airing on Netflix. The wedding episodes just dropped Friday and the LIVE Love is Blind reunion (which was in fact, not live) is now available to watch on Netflix. If you won’t watch Love is Blind, how it works is single men and women live in separate townhouses and have “dates” through pods to see if they can fall in love…sight unseen…to prove that love, truly, is blind.

What annoys me about the premise, well a lot of things do, but mainly is that…love is blind for everyone in the first couple months/interactions. The contestants stress so much about making this commitment, the real life equivalent of which is “Do you want to keep hanging out and see if this goes somewhere?” Zach, one of the white dudes on the show (less attractive Paul), whose mom is a stripper in case you didn’t catch that, says on a recent episode:

“Romeo and Juliet didn’t work out for a reason.”

Fucking, duh my dude.

We tend to misinterpret the love between Romeo and Juliet as “true love”, not “star-crossed teenagers who were infatuated with each other”. We equate the *feeling* of love with that intensity of when Romeo and Juliet first meet at the Capulet party as love… even though he originally was attending that party to see Rosaline, Juliet’s cousin. Romeo ain’t nuthin but a fuck boi, trying to holler at a 13 year old girl. Had they not committed dual suicide, he would have switched from wanting to spend every moment with her to being annoyed at her for wanting him to text her back within a reasonable time.

But when he sees Juliet, and oh…did his heart not love til now? Yes, you were just bemoaning your unrequired love with Rosaline.

What’s interesting is that there’s a psychological theory that this intense attraction is often us recognizing something of our abusers in the other person.

Juliet is being forced into marriage by her family, and also essentially by Romeo, although she is willingly marrying him, she is only 13. And Romeo is a creep. After their first meeting, he sneaks back to talk to her, creepily hides against her wall, listening to her speak (about him), sneaks up behind her, and (in the Baz Luhrmann 1996 Romeo + Juliet adaptation), falls into a pool with her. She’s of course wearing a white dress because she’s virginal. When, she leaves and he asks why she would deny him? And she’s like Romeo, the fuck did you think was gonna happen? And he’s like no you don’t have to put out, I would never disrespect you. Please just promise your entire life to me. I want literally own you.

Romeo and Juliet don’t work out not because they come from two warring houses but because they are a pair of star-crossed lovers. In the text, Shakespeare makes clear that Juliet is just 13 years old. Shakespeare doesn’t really mention age all that much in most of his texts, but he very specifically talks about her age in the play. That aspect is often overlooked in modern day adaptations, because the intensity of their romance and feelings for each other (infatuation) overshadows the message Shakespeare is trying to convey. IMHO. Infatuation makes us dumb and takes over the logical part of the brain.

Paul, (more attractive Zach) on Love is Blind) says “Love happens when logic ends”. Love can override logic, but love is an action and we have a responsibility to approach our relationships with logic and responsibility. We can recognize when things are moving too fast, to know when we can’t be the best partner, and to know when we shouldn’t be stringing someone along.

When Baz Luhramn’s Romeo + Juliet came out in 1996 I hadn’t been totally scarred from wounds of heartbreak, love still felt hopeful, and hope wasn’t yet replaced with the suffocation of the fear of abandonment. But now, too many experiences of unrequited love, emotional abuse, manipulation, minimizing myself and my needs so I wouldn’t be “too much” for someone; pretending I’m fine being just friends when the frustration of someone denying their feelings pushed me to feelings of delusion and insanity—have hardened me to love and I hold tension in my shoulders and upper back to protect my heart center. I’m not someone who can lean into feelings of romance and feel hopeful or inspired. It makes me feel awful and as though I’m a failure. Gina Chung, in her debut novel “Sea Change” describes this in a far more eloquent way “Other people’s happiness just takes up so much room, involves so much heft and weight. Other people’s joys have always seemed more solid to me than my own. I’ve never trusted happiness, have trouble with the very notion of it. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you should try and pin down or rank or qualify or even declare, because you never know when it might disappear in the night, leaving you with nothing but questions and unending ache.”

The start of a crush is fun! Those early moments, shared glances at parties, seeing someone look at you in a way that reveals everything, first texts, connecting on favorite movies…noticing when the other person is watching your IG stories…and yes this actually doesn’t mean anything but it at least means they see your content and they thought of you. Maybe. Look, it’s a love kernel and I’ll take it.

I was a freshman at Broad Ripple High School where I was in a dual magnet program, Humanities and Theater as part of the Broad Ripple Center for Performing and Visual Arts, with a theater concentration when Romeo+Juliet came out. Me and all of my theater nerd friends saw the movie and pointed out all the symbolism and the modern winks at fair Verona/Billy Shakespeare. My high-school experience was amazing. Yes, there were the normal high school bullshit things, but it was fun to go to a school that is basically like the high-school in Fame! Support public education!

I do think this film is a super fun way to introduce the story of Romeo and Juliet to students or people who may not know the play. I mean everyone knows the basic plot, Romeo and Juliet are an iconic duo. Like Sid and Nancy.

It’s filmed using cinematography to help clarify the story as it plays out (aerial shots of Verona Beach as we hear “where our story lay", close-ups on the guns to clarify they are Swords). Some of it is helpful and some of it is like “okay yeah I got that”. And there were other times when I was like “wait zoom in somewhere… what’s happening?” I appreciate the language of the movie, and how it’s performed. It’s using the original Shakespearean text but the actors aren’t speaking slow and laboriously the way Shakespeare is usually played. The lyrics are the same, they just updated the melody. It’s always interesting to see someone find the balance between making an everlasting story adaptable and digestible for a new audience. And word of advice if you ever want to dive into Russian literature…finding a good translation is key.

The artistic choices in the modernization of this tale work sometimes and doesn’t work others, and a big thing that comes down to is the strength of the actor. The opening quarrel scene seems uncomfortable and cringy, and way too forced…

but then

You have Harold Perrineau who walks—nay, dances, in and just dominates the language, the emotion, the expression and I know everything he is saying because the emotions are speaking through the words. Ugh that man. Amazingly talented.

One thing that most definitely works in this movie, and what made it such a cultural phenomenon at the time was…the music. That soundtrack is fire. FIRE. Harold Perrineau sings “Young Hearts, Run Free” the hook saying “Young hearts, run free. Never be caught up like my man and me.” And it’s… so fitting. Mercutio is saying…run free, be unattached, let love come in from everywhere. Don’t be all attached to someone and losing yourself.

Music is encapsulating and when used well in film it transports right into the emotional story of the character and film. And the song that transcends story for this movie is Des’Ree sings sweetly into a mic at The Capulet party…

“Ya gotta be bad.

Ya gotta be bold.

Ya gotta be wiser. “

Just kidding, she sings “I’m Kissing You” and you’re crying in your bed missing the cute guy you’ve hung out with twice maybe? But it’s MEANT TO BE. It is a perfect piece of music because it does what it intends to do emotionally. That song plus Leo and Claire watching each other through an Aquarium, the stolen glances at the party, shared laughter at Dave Paris, full conversations passed between eyes… you’re in love and you’ve found your soulmate. Or a soulmate.

I have a playlist of songs I listen to when I am feeling ~enamored~ with someone. Overwhelmed, in the dumb infatuation stage, when you want to just sit in that feeling and reminisce. Those songs that draw you into a feeling of love. It’s a way to remind myself that just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean it never will.

I’ve held on to that feeling for way too long in way too many circumstances. I’ve sat with it, holding on to it, convincing myself that feeling means more than any logical evidence before me. That feeling, now, is a red flag for me. I don’t want to be with someone who I feel I need, who I feel I can’t live without, because I know how to be alone, and I’m a whole and complete wonderful person who would love to have an addition, but I no longer attach myself to anyone (or anything). Or at least I’m trying.

Recently I ended a brief dalliance with someone I truly care about. It sucks for both of us because, as Dire Straits and Indigo Girls sing in the song Romeo and Juliet, it was just the timing is wrong. Which I am taking as a win, because it means I didn’t push him away with my neediness and trauma dumping. SUCCESS!

As someone with PTSD, and specifically sexual and relational trauma, dating is super fucking hard. I know it’s hard for everyone, but imagine you are a heterosexual female survivor of sexual assault and one of your triggers is…men? Being alone with men I don’t know is terrifying for me. And I wonder if I’ll have to have sex, not because I will be forced but because I will feel it’s the only way I can connect. That I have to do that to show I am interested. And also the fear I will be forced. Beyond the physical fears, it’s hard for me to connect with people, honestly. It’s hard for me to believe that someone likes me (even lifelong friends), and I crave connection (we all do), and because of my past I have a fear of abandonment. Sometimes that doesn’t mean, fear of someone not dating me, but fear that they will become mean, that they’ll put me down as much as they lifted me up. And that fear of abandonment has caused me to self sabotage so many relationships, though I think that is my brain protecting me. I’ve pushed friends and potential partners away because of those abandonment issues. I think constantly about how much I talk about my trauma. Do I write about it too much? Do I talk about it too much? I wonder if people think I’ve made my trauma my whole personality?

I was 37 the first time I was with someone who actually called me their girlfriend. Before that it was “situationships” and casual flings, wasted years trying to make something happen that just wasn’t meant to be. That connection was so intense and I thought he would just leave when most guys do, around 6 weeks (which is weird cause that’s about the time it takes to get to know a person), but he stuck around. He was super sweet. Aren’t they always? (yes because that is how unhealthy relationships work). And then suddenly “You can talk to me anytime” turned into pure annoyance at my existence, belittling me when I messed up words or thoughts, undermining my opinions and ideas, telling me “your lipstick is messed up” when I went to kiss him upon greeting, texts unanswered for hours and when I spoke up for myself got a “if I wanted to text someone on a schedule, I would date my boss”, constantly criticizing our sex life but refusing to listen to my needs to try and make it better, flipping me off when I reminded him to wash the dishes (which he said he would do) and then telling me to “no, seriously, fuck off”, turning towards me with a look of violence in his eyes that scared me.

Being in an unhealthy relationship and denying what it is because you’re still processing it and slightly blaming yourself, can feel a bit like being a frog in a pot of heating water. I’m only now beginning to process all of that, and recently having been doubting myself and my intelligence, and looking back…no wonder. I’ve stopped writing these mainly out of fear that I sound dumb, that I don’t actually understand film and how movies work. My friend made a Jaws reference the other day and rather than asking him to explain I was like yup, got it! because I felt stupid for not knowing it.

There’s so much talk about loving ourselves before we can love someone else, and I think that’s bullshit. I think that takes a lot of work and it’s something you can work on with someone else. You can lean on folks when you’re not loving yourself fully.

Sometimes I feel I’ve never experienced love, at least romantic love. And any that I have experienced has been clouded by doubt and an insecurity that prevents me from being my whole true self with folks I want to connect with. I’m weary when I’m dating someone and things are so intense, because I know that flame is going to burn out and I’m gonna be the one with the scars. It feels like too much, it’s love bombing, it’s…to quote Love is Blind again…”icky”.

This is early Baz Luhrman so we hadn’t yet been “bazzzed out”. It still felt original and was artsy and colorful and is, yes, enjoyable to watch with an edible. Also because it’s best to watch Shakespeare in a relaxed state, so you can let the words flow over you. I think of this when I am trying to speak and understand French. If I focus on translating every single word in my mind, I get frustrated and feel like I can’t keep up and I’m missing things. But when I just relax and trust myself, I can understand it fine. I think it would definitely be a film I would show to my students if I ever taught a playwriting class. I would also show this sketch, which is honestly the best explanation of Romeo and Juliet on the planet.

High moments:

The movie does an intro to characters, which is super super helpful to just clarify who everyone is. Except I kept thinking it was the actors names and when they show Paul Rudd as Dave Paris:

My first thought was “who is this D grade Paul Rudd?” It’s Paul Rudd. But he is D grade Paul Rudd, because, the incredible talent that he is, Paul Rudd somehow pulls off playing an unattractive cringy dweeb.

But also, Juliet, marry Paul Rudd. A wise co-worker once told me, “Never marry for love”.

Silly IMDB trivia:

IMDB is kind of the worst, it doesn’t have a good user interface, but my favorite part is the trivia section for any movie because often it is…not trivia?

HOLY SHIT. That seems like such a weird amount for ransom? I need to do a deep dive into this.

I want to find this statue. I wonder if anyone from set kept it?

My man Pete, best in the biz, RIP to a real one.

I…. truly don’t think it would have been this, but maybe I am wrong.

This is one of my favorite times of trivia. It’s always like “woah, this actor was in this movie with this person in YEAR and like whoa that’s so crazy.”

Final note: I have a weird half crush on John Leguizamo because sometimes I am like wow he is cute and then I’m like wait what am I looking at? Also hands down the most insane (in a good way) portrayal of Tybalt.

Romeo + Juliet is currently streaming on HBO Max and for NYC folks it’s playing at Nitehawk in May!! Which one? I don’t know I just put my phone down and I don’t feel like looking it up again!

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Please comment/like/share/tell me you read it, give me any of those little love kernels. I’ll take them all.